Diarrhea Girl

It wasn't my fault. I had just spent the majority of the afternoon listening to my new coworker ramble on and on about the most obnoxious and random topics I've had the misfortune to be subjected to. In the space of about ten minutes I heard all about her "narcissistic whore of a mother", the burlesque show that she is currently rehearsing for, the Invisa-line braces that she wears, and her mini-van that she owns named Penelope. All of this in ten minutes. Imagine how bad the rest of the week had been.

So what is a girl to do in this situation? She calls her gay husband who lives 3,000 miles away and vents.

"Jason," I screeched into the phone, "you don't understand! This girl has the worst case of diarrhea of the mouth I've ever heard! The rest of us in the office are trying not to gang up on her and make it a three-against-one situation, but it's just not easy. You have no idea what it's like to have to sit in there with her every day."

"That's really terrible," he chided, "you guys shouldn't make fun of her if she's sick. She can't help it if she has diarrhea - that's no picnic, you know."

I laughed. Hard. He had missed the "of the mouth" part and thought that we were totally catty bitches (no laughing in the peanut gallery) who were ridiculing this poor girl for an intestinal problem. Sadly, he was mistaken.

Unfortunately, it seems that her problems run far deeper than a few loose bowel movements. And because we share a very small office space with her, apparently so do ours.