Sunday, August 26, 2007

Do's and Don'ts of Your High School Reunion (Alternately titled "My $45 glass of wine")

If you tell someone you spent $45 on one glass of wine, they will assume that you have just been to some fabulous restaurant that pours a first-growth by the glass, or that you splurged on a shared bottle with someone, or had some kind of amazing gastronomic experience culminating with a glass of d'Yquem.

If they were talking to me, that someone would be wrong. Because I somehow wound up paying $45 for a plastic cup filled with oaky DeBortoli Chardonnay.

That's what you get for attending your ten year high school reunion when the planning committee threw together an event that cost $45/person and included only one drink ticket before switching to cash bar.

I can't complain too much, though. The whole evening was hugely entertaining, and I picked up a few tips from the experience, which I will now share with all of you just in case your have your own reunion coming up.

Do: Take your gay best friend from high school as your date.
Don't: Laugh in the face of the person who asks if you two are "still together".

Do: Develop a signal with said date about how to rescue each other from conversations.
Don't: Let him get drunk and tell people what the signal was so that they then see you doing it while talking to them.

Do: Wear killer heels.
Don't: Trip in front of the rent-a-cops while walking to you car.

Do: Come up with a plan on how to "spin" yourself when people ask what you do.
Don't: Look around and loudly ask "What's with everyone here being a teacher?" when the tenth person in a row tells you that they teach.

Do: Talk to your sophomore year Homecoming date.
Don't: Roll your eyes when he launches into a heartfelt monologue about how much he misses playing high school football.

Do: Encourage your date to strike up a conversation with his very conservative ex-girlfriend.
Don't: Rally people to stand across the room and watch it all go down.

Do: Listen politely when the girls who planned the reunion give out superlatives.
Don't: Grab the mike and cuss everyone out for not electing you Senior Class President.

Do: Be nice to everyone, including the guy who used to dangle spit out his mouth and then suck it back in third grade.
Don't: Give him your phone number.

Do: Utilize the provided name tags.
Don't: Blatantly tell people that you have no idea who they are.

Do: Have a few drinks to loosen up.
Don't: Let yourself end up being the guy who gets drunk, takes off his shirt, and tries to pick a fight.

Do: Have fun.
Don't: Take any of it seriously.


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