Sunday, July 02, 2006

The quest for someone to cook for continues...

TB Player and I ended things tonight, right after dinner. I had invited him over, part of me knowing that we probably wouldn't be together much longer and wanting to take advantage of the captive food audience for as long as possible.

As we sat on my hot porch afterwards, sweating and sipping drinks, not talking very much, I knew I had to say something. The increasingly stagnant state of our relationship was more than I could bear - especially knowing that at this point we were only two months in and that it was only bound to get worse.

I expected him to get defensive and argumentative. He didn't. There was no explanation for why he has changed so much in the last few weeks. There was no explanation of his self-depricating humor, just the lame excuse that it was always something he did and he wished I wouldn't make such a big deal of it.

The thing is, everyone makes the small self-depricating joke once in a while, but this went beyond that. For whatever reason, TB Player was constantly cutting himself down and then brushing if off with a sullen, "I'm just joking." But this goes beyond joking, and after a while it became exhausting to listen to and try to combat.

For whatever reason, the shift in his behavior coincided perfectly with the end of the symphony season. This did not for a second go unnoticed to me, but there seemed to be nothing I could do about it. The farther into his summer boredom he got, the worse he became. And sure, everyone goes through slumps, but this difference in energy and motivation that was becoming evident was unfortunately more than I was willing to work with anymore.

The odd thing is, instead of being sad to be back on the single side of the fence, I'm actually relieved. Relieved to be released of the burden of constantly having to battle with his negative attitude, which sometimes actually manifested itself in the form of insults to me (poorly hidden behind the "I'm just joking" guise, of course). Relieved to have more time to read and write. Relieved to be able to throw my energy completely into my new job. Even relieved to be able to flirt with strangers again without feeling guilty.

But I will miss having someone to cook for...


Blogger Leahtard said...

I'm so sorry, Rees. However, if you ever want someone to cook for (in the interim), I will gladly stand in as your boyfriend.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Rees26 said...

Clarification - no need for anyone to feel sorry for me! This was my choice and I feel good about it.

2:06 PM  

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