Sunday, November 12, 2006


I can't explain it.

I haven't found the perfect man.

This past week I had to have an incredibly invasive and scary procedure where a huge needle was inserted into my breast, and a fibroid adenoma was suctioned out.

I recently came to the realization that my biological family (with the exception of my mother) will never be the people that I want them to be, or provide the support that I need.

Those things should be upsetting me, but lately I've been feeling more happy and content than I have in years.

Maybe it's the job, and the sense of excitement that comes along with finally doing something that I am good at and actually love at the same time. Maybe it's the autumn, which has been perfect. Maybe it's the holiday decorations that have been springing up everywhere. Maybe it's my friends, who have seemed extra great lately.

Deep down though, I think that it is the familial realization that has made me so happy. Finally I can stop feeling like I can change them, or that they should be the most important people in my world, or guilty because I don't really like the people that they are. It's ok if instead of fulfilling me, my family only frustrates me. And it's ok to walk away from it and concentrate instead on relationships with the people, or person, who does fulfill me.

This release has been wonderful. It's like my eyes have been opened to all of the great things around me, and I can finally enjoy them, and be content with who and where I am again.


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