Seclusion, Day 4

At this point the seclusion is less severe. Last night I had Leah come over for a few minutes so that I could give her the rundown on the conversation with my boss the other day and to update her on the thinking progress that I had made in the last few days. When in the midst of explaining that I was thinking about moving to Europe for a year she said something to me that I think is so profound that it must be repeated with quotations around it and referenced for the rest of my life to come:

"Most people, when given the opportunity to move to Europe, wouldn't do it out of fear. You are not one of those people - why don't you capitalize on it?"

Leah left to go home and nurse her cough and I left to go catch a movie and keep thinking.

The job is not going to get better any time soon. The promotion possibility that I've been clinging to is probably months and months away. It's not because they don't feel like I'm ready or qualified, it's just that they have no need for that position. As much as they like me, they can't just create a position out of thin air for me. The thing is, I totally get that. (A logical dreamer, who knew?) And furthermore, I know that even when I do get the promotion that it will only be a temporary fix, and that in six months I will be bored out of my mind with that job, too.

You know what I really want to do? Have more time to read. Write more. Cook. Volunteer at the library. Visit John in Hawaii. Work with the recruiter in New York. Maybe take the GRE's to see if grad school is even an option. Really explore other possibilities.

So I might be going back to waiting tables.

Oh my God, I cannot believe I just said that. Memories of jerk managers on power trips forcing me to wear my hair in a ponytail, and always missing my favorite nighttime TV shows, and tax problems, and sweating in the kitchen, and sleeping until noon every day come flooding back.

But this time it would be different. I wouldn't let myself get caught in the trap of staying out too late and sleeping in - I'm too old for that. The key to allowing myself to do this would be discipline. I could not allow laziness, I'd have to stay focused on the task at hand: self-discovery.

So then I think of all of the great things that come out of that lifestyle. Money, freedom, interacting with quirky cooks and busboys, being exposed to great food and wine on a daily basis.

Obviously more thinking must be done. And will be done. On days 5,6,7,8....