Sunday, February 26, 2006

Weaknesses and Maybes

His weaknesses make me angry.

He made himself vulnerable, and was honest with me first. So I did the same thing in return. It did not produce the desired effect.

So now the things that he told me make me angry. When he speaks, I want to roll my eyes. When I saw him interact with his friends, I wanted to interrupt and say something like, "By the way, he's totally fucked up." (Even though that's not fair.)

When his hand accidentally and barely brushed my leg while he was shifting the gears in his car, my heart jumped into my throat. It used to make me really happy when he touched me.

We smiled and made eye contact a few times, but I always looked away quickly. I didn't want to share moments with him anymore.

Because before when we touched and made eye contact I thought it meant something. I thought we were connecting. I thought we had to be on the same page.

But I guess we weren't. I guess it didn't mean anything to him that he had started to sleep with his arms wrapped really tightly around me, and that I had actually started to become comfortable enough to let him. I guess it didn't mean anything to him that I enjoyed cooking dinner for him, or that we both liked playing board games with each other, or that we were both turned on by the same things.

Because those things had started to mean something to me. And I was shocked and hurt when I found out that apparently they didn't mean as much to him.

He has convinced himself that sorting through his weaknesses is more important than putting forth the effort to be with me. I have convinced myself that I will settle for no less than what I think that I deserve. I am worried that I am being too judgemental, too stubborn, too black and white. I am worried that that is a weakness of mine, and that if I don't overcome it I will never find happiness.

Today I noticed that he doesn't really get my jokes. Maybe that means something. Something that in my want and desire to have someone, I had overlooked. Maybe his inability to understand me, and inability to understand what he's giving up, throwing out, overlooking, taking for granted - maybe that's his biggest weakness of all.

(And maybe it's ok that this post is completely disjointed, probably not making sense to others, and is not tying up neatly at the end. I guess that sentence could describe a lot of things in life. And I maybe I should accept that, and not see those things as weaknesses. Not in myself, or in others.)


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