Saturday, February 17, 2007

Just be

I've been completely out of it this week. Sleep walking through life, getting everything done, but finding myself detached, or trying to detach, from everything around me. Getting lost in fogs, perfectly happy to sit and daydream. Sleeping fitfully, longing for a day or evening when I can follow my instincts and just sit, doing nothing, hoping that after a day or two of that the fog will lift.

I think it's just a delayed reaction to the events of the last six weeks, which I haven't had time to fully process until now. There was the end of a love affair last month, which hurt more than I allowed myself to realize at the time, and is now numbing me to the possibility of beginning anything new because I just can't allow myself to take that risk again just yet. There was the whirlwind, tension, and exhilaration of rehearsing and putting up a show in less than a week, the high of which I wasn't able to come down from because... The very next week was the culmination of a way-too-short planning period where two friends and I organized and executed (and cleaned up after) a black-tie gala for 200 people.

Ups and downs galore is what my life has been about, and now there seems to be a bit of a calm. I mean, at least there are no huge projects or dramas on the horizon, but life certainly hasn't stopped. Drinks with this person, working here and there, signing new leases and getting my current apartment sublet, belated birthday brunch with parents, doing taxes with uncle, family reunion in Williamsburg - which I will have to leave another party to go to, people wanting to set me up on dates, new goals at work, car inspections due... on and on and on.

And all I want to do is curl up into a ball. Throw away my cell phone. Hop a flight to Paris. No, scratch all of that. I want to figure out how to just be.

Not be charming. Not be motivated. Not be pretty. Not be trying for this, or working towards that.

I've spent most of the afternoon so far oscillating between wanting everyone to leave me alone and then wondering what is going on tonight. I want to turn of my cell phone, but then can't resist sending out a text or two. I'm only taking pleasure in little things, like the chocolate covered coffee beans that are my favorite indulgence to keep around. I've had this Joni Mitchell song on repeat for an hour now. For some reason the only thing I'm able to tangibly relate to lately is her desire to just wander around and be inspired by strangers, without the people in the life that you so deliberately built pulling you in every direction all at once.

On second thought, maybe I will start looking for a last minute flight. Wandering down the Champs Elysees might just do the trick.


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