Courage?

Yesterday, very serendipitously, an old friend from college called in the middle of the day to catch up. I'm always overly flattered when people think to call me for no real reason, even if it's just for their own procrastination's sake, so it was really good to hear from him. However, anyone who hasn't talked to me for the last few weeks is going to get quite an earful if they ask the question - "So, what's going on with you?"

Um... a lot.

We broke up, for one thing. Explaining what happened to someone who had no idea that anything was wrong can take a while.

Also, I quit my job running the wine tasting room. I had to. I was so bored and stifled that it was making me truly miserable and trickling down to affect other areas of my life. I kept remembering the very first thought that went through my mind when I was offered the job months ago - "I did not move out here to sit in this little store full time." It's a of a leap of faith, because while I am interviewing with several companies right now, and have two more part time gigs lined up, exactly what I'm going to do next is up in the air. Yes, I have a plan for tomorrow, but by next week I could be on a totally different path.

So the first week was really hard and overwhelming. Those two, pretty major, life changes happened within twelve hours of each other, so while I was trying to feel excited about the job and sad about the breakup, what really happened was that I was just numb. Now as the dust settles on both situations, I am excited, and really feel alive for the first time in months. I had been using both sub-par situations as simultaneous crutches, and now that they are tossed to the side I feel like the possibilities are endless again.

"Wow," was all my friend could really say as I finished my lengthy answer to his simple question. "Erin, that's all so great."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I hope you know how much courage you have, and how amazing that is."

"Um... yeah... you think?"

This is not the first time someone has called me courageous, and I never really know what to make of it. Ok, I guess not many people would have moved to NYC by themselves at the age of 22 with no friends there and no job lined up, just to fulfill a dream. I guess. And the same thing for moving across the country, traveling to Italy with people you barely knew, and quitting a job that you were miserable in without having the next one solidly lined up.

But it doesn't feel all that courageous when you're crying to your mother on the phone, asking her to help you with rent if you need it in the next few months. It doesn't feel all that courageous to be thirty and barely able to afford your health insurance, because you haven't had a decent job in the last year to provide it for you.

But it does feel good to be excited about things again. For all the near panic-attacks, and annoyance at not being sure if I can afford cable and other stupid little things, I really like the niche of people, and places, and experiences that I have carved out in my life. And it also feels good to know and trust in my heart that the little things, like money worries, will not last forever, and that life will fall into place exactly as it is supposed to, now that I have opened myself up to the endless possibilities that are out there.

So while I'm not so sure about courageous, but I am pretty positive about lucky. And alive. And happy.