My Spec and RP all in one

I imagine that most wine sales people check Wine Spectator or Robert Parker religiously to see if any of their wines have earned the coveted high scores so that they can brag to their clients and hopefully push those wines out the door.

I haven't quite gotten the hang of making that a daily habit yet. But I do check this site religiously. Not sure how much weight it would carry with my clients, but I think it's pretty f-ing cool.

Good intentions

The delivery drivers at my company are my best friends. Hardworking and sweet, they always go out of their way to help me out. So I go out of my way to say thank you by periodically baking them treats.

Oh, who am I kidding? I just like having people to bake for.

So since they helped me out a lot last week with a 38-case delivery on Wednesday and a 15-case drop for a party that had bought wine from me on Friday, I decided to kick it up a notch this time and make something a little more difficult - these pecan bars that I saw on Barefoot Contessa.

Ina makes everything look so easy.

So Sunday evening I set out on my adventure. 9 sticks of butter, 2 pounds of pecans, 4 cups of sugar, and one small oven fire later I had to throw in the towel, and throw away my mess.

I could break it down and figure out where it all went wrong, but it's really a moot point. And now I have nothing to give my drivers. Oh well, maybe next week.

Does anyone still read this blog?

Let's find out! Everybody play.

Reader Poll #... um... uh...

1. What if your favorite reality show?

2. What is your go-to dinner?

3. Any upcoming vacations or trips?

4. Do you like this comforter? I'm thinking about splurging.

5. Are you a good at cleaning?

6. How many lauguages do you speak?

7. When was the last time you made out with someone, high school style? Like where it was really exciting and made your stomach flip?

8. What is your favorite (other) blog to read?

9. What time do you usually get up in the morning?

10. Ask me something.

Content

I can't explain it.

I haven't found the perfect man.

This past week I had to have an incredibly invasive and scary procedure where a huge needle was inserted into my breast, and a fibroid adenoma was suctioned out.

I recently came to the realization that my biological family (with the exception of my mother) will never be the people that I want them to be, or provide the support that I need.

Those things should be upsetting me, but lately I've been feeling more happy and content than I have in years.

Maybe it's the job, and the sense of excitement that comes along with finally doing something that I am good at and actually love at the same time. Maybe it's the autumn, which has been perfect. Maybe it's the holiday decorations that have been springing up everywhere. Maybe it's my friends, who have seemed extra great lately.

Deep down though, I think that it is the familial realization that has made me so happy. Finally I can stop feeling like I can change them, or that they should be the most important people in my world, or guilty because I don't really like the people that they are. It's ok if instead of fulfilling me, my family only frustrates me. And it's ok to walk away from it and concentrate instead on relationships with the people, or person, who does fulfill me.

This release has been wonderful. It's like my eyes have been opened to all of the great things around me, and I can finally enjoy them, and be content with who and where I am again.

Things I'm currently lovin'

- The rainy fall evenings that are giving me a great excuse to stay home snuggled in front of the TV.

- My recently developed risotto making skills.

- My job.

- My mom.

- The beautiful orange and red leaves that are everywhere.

- Getting back into Pilates. (My previously thickening "core" section is also loving that one.)

- Shopping for a new comforter.

- The Chipotle that is currently under construction near my apartment.

- MFK Fisher, old school food writer. Why has it taken me so long to discover her???

- The third season of Grey's Anatomy (of course).

- My new pimped-out rolling wine bag. (Thanks, Elijah!)

- The sense of peace that has washed over me since I finally realized that my family (namely my dad and brother) will never be the family that I want them to be, and instead of trying to turn them into something they are not, I need to find a person who is.

- The Fraiser reruns that come on at midnight.

- Fuzzy socks.

- This week's calm before next week's storm.

Down there

We sat at the oceanside bar watching the sunset and downing one of the dozens of Mai Tai's of the week. My brother rambled on...

"Yeah, sub life really sucks. I mean, you guys have no idea what it's like down there. We just do what we have to do to get by, just trying to amuse ourselves and waiting until we get to dock..."

Slurp, slurp. Jason reached the end of his drink and frantically looked around for the waitress.

"...and the food sucks. It's total crap. So many guys just get so fat down there because the food is so gross. So last time we were underway for a month my buddy and I made a bet that neither of us could eat a single dessert the entire time we were down, to try to stay a little healthy at least."

"Oh yeah? What was the bet?" Our interest peaked slightly at this. $50 bucks? Doing the other person's chores?

"If one of us ate a dessert, the other guy got to punch him in the nuts."

Blink, blink. Awkward silence for a few seconds. Jason and I had no idea how to respond to that. At first.

Then we bust out laughing. "What?? Why would you bet that?" Then we went off on a tirade of jokes about how barbaric and ridiculous that was, complete with hypothetical situations and alternative scenarios.

"I can tell I'm going to regret telling you that story," my brother mumbled as he sank down into his seat and the sun dropped just below the horizon.

Solo in Paradise

When I was younger I used to have very romantic notions of travelling alone. I imagined myself filling up a single backpack with a few shirts and a journal, buying a Eurorail pass and heading off with nothing but my observations and blank pages.

Now that I am a little older and have experienced it a bit, solitude does not exactly hold the same appeal as it once did. It strikes me more as depressing and something to avoid, so knowing that I would spend my first two days in Honolulu by myself was a bit daunting. But what else could I do? I strapped on my armor and prepared for two days alone in paradise.

At first I did pretty well. In the airport waiting for my final connection I sat down against a wall and got lost in my observations of the other passengers. I attempted to mold into my surroundings and fly under the radar, so that I could just be. It became refreshing to just be there and not have to try to be anything. Not charming, not cute, not smart, not amusing. Not strong. Not on top of my game. Nothing that I feel like I have to be every day to survive work, socilization, family, life. Travelling alone I could just exist. Suddenly I felt a surge of independence as I realized my current state. This is what is so nice about being alone.

I did manage to hold on to that feeling most of the time, even when other feelings started to creep in - like boredom. Lonliness gave me a break and pretty much stayed away. It was nice to explore and relax, although I did find myself thinking, "Oh, this place is wonderful! I can't wait until Jason gets here and then we will really enjoy it." Then I chided myself. Why did I need someone else there to enjoy it?

But the reality is, I was looking forward to my friend getting there. Being alone can be empowering, but having someone to share life with is much more fulfilling. Plus, then you have someone to take pictures for you.

*Rees, sunbathing solo in Waikiki.