Sunday, October 30, 2005

I Heart Rob

Warning: After reading this post, you may well think me to be a total loser.

Tonight, for some odd reason, we decided to watch the video of our high school variety show. The three of us often reminisce about high school when together. Usually I think that it is harmless fun, but sometimes I'll admit that I do wonder if we are sliding down the slippery slope into loser territory.

I was doing just fine with the whole thing, watching everyone with their acts, remembering how good I thought they were at the time. Then he came on the screen, playing his guitar, wearing his baseball cap backwards - not in an untidy way, just in a cute and slightly defiant way.

I'd kinda forgotten how great I thought he was. So cool (borderline aloof), so handsome, and so talented. To me, he was the ultimate... ultimate... everything. By late high school I had done pretty well in developing self confidence - feeling attractive and cool, but it all shattered when I was around him. I totally reverted back to those feelings of awkwardness that had plagued me through middle school, and became a nervous wreck.

But underneath it all I still thought that one day he would realize how funny and pretty I was, and we would be a great couple. I even thought that we were the male/female version of each other - we both did drama and chorus were very good singers and actors, but couldn't dance a lick. (We played love interests in Anything Goes and had a dance scene - quite a sight!) He was much more abrasive than me up front, but underneath had a huge heart - I came off as nice, but underneath had a sarcastic nature.

How could we not be perfect for each other?

I haven't seen him since high school. About a year ago I heard that he had joined the army and was on his way to Iraq. I wonder how he is doing, if he is back yet, how much he has changed?

I once had a palm-reader tell me that I already know my soulmate, which made complete sense to me. I've always had a notion that I would reconnect with someone from my past and that is who I would marry. That is how I justify all of the times that I while away for guys that I knew in high school.

But a strong part of me wonders if I am living in the past because my romantic present has been so unsatisfying? And if so, by allowing myself these fantasies, am I holding myself back from having a real adult relationship, or do I do it because for some cosmic reason there really is something in my past left to discover?


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