Happy Halloween!

Best costumes I've seen so far...

I Heart Rob

Warning: After reading this post, you may well think me to be a total loser.

Tonight, for some odd reason, we decided to watch the video of our high school variety show. The three of us often reminisce about high school when together. Usually I think that it is harmless fun, but sometimes I'll admit that I do wonder if we are sliding down the slippery slope into loser territory.

I was doing just fine with the whole thing, watching everyone with their acts, remembering how good I thought they were at the time. Then he came on the screen, playing his guitar, wearing his baseball cap backwards - not in an untidy way, just in a cute and slightly defiant way.

I'd kinda forgotten how great I thought he was. So cool (borderline aloof), so handsome, and so talented. To me, he was the ultimate... ultimate... everything. By late high school I had done pretty well in developing self confidence - feeling attractive and cool, but it all shattered when I was around him. I totally reverted back to those feelings of awkwardness that had plagued me through middle school, and became a nervous wreck.

But underneath it all I still thought that one day he would realize how funny and pretty I was, and we would be a great couple. I even thought that we were the male/female version of each other - we both did drama and chorus were very good singers and actors, but couldn't dance a lick. (We played love interests in Anything Goes and had a dance scene - quite a sight!) He was much more abrasive than me up front, but underneath had a huge heart - I came off as nice, but underneath had a sarcastic nature.

How could we not be perfect for each other?

I haven't seen him since high school. About a year ago I heard that he had joined the army and was on his way to Iraq. I wonder how he is doing, if he is back yet, how much he has changed?

I once had a palm-reader tell me that I already know my soulmate, which made complete sense to me. I've always had a notion that I would reconnect with someone from my past and that is who I would marry. That is how I justify all of the times that I while away for guys that I knew in high school.

But a strong part of me wonders if I am living in the past because my romantic present has been so unsatisfying? And if so, by allowing myself these fantasies, am I holding myself back from having a real adult relationship, or do I do it because for some cosmic reason there really is something in my past left to discover?

She shoe shamed me

Yesterday I talked to a good friend for the first time in a few months. She is recently engaged, and she and her fiance moved to Charlotte a few months ago. We had a perfectly pleasant conversation about the state of our lives... that is until she asked the dreaded question:

"So, what about men in your life?"

"Uh... nothing really, right now."

Light laughter, "You're so vague!"

"Uh... well, I'm not dating anyone right now, what do you want me to say?" Then I launch into some ramblings about being too busy right now anyway, etc, etc, etc.

BITCH.

Why does someone, a good friend, nonetheless, have to take a perfectly pleasant conversation and then point out the obvious? OK, I'm not dating anyone right now. What is wrong with that? Why does she have to act all superior?

(Especially a girl who had to practically BEG her fiance to propose to her. But when she was crying to me about that, did I judge? NO. I just listened. Fuck, maybe I should have taken the opportunity to give her a big dose of condescention.)

I guess the real question is, is she really being bitchy, or am I being uber-defensive? But you know what, no, I don't think I am. I have PLENTY of friends who are in couples and don't make me feel like a loser for being single.

Now I'm left with a completely bad taste in my mouth about talking to her again, unless I magically produce a boyfriend. I think it's best to stick to friends who love me as I am and don't wear their rings as a status symbol.

Tonight, she-J got drunk. It was all she could do.

Because today, he-J broke her heart.

I've been listening to the whole thing unfold for months now. They are more in love than almost anyone I've ever seen. They get each other.

But he-J is married.

He married a girl a week after he graduated from college. Since then he has lost over 150lbs. He's realized that he likes to go out. He loves doing theater. He loves music. He has a passion for people who live life to the fullest.

But his wife doesn't. She likes scrapbooking. She wants to be a stay at home mom. She doesn't get his jokes.

This morning his wife finally lit into him about she-J. Frankly, I can't believe it took this long. Their "friendship" is inappropriate. If they're ever going to fix the problems in their marriage, he can't see her anymore. He can't see her anymore.

Today, he-J couldn't get out of bed. She-J went over there and they went for a long drive. They decided not to see each other anymore. And then she-J started drinking.

I watched her drink. I listened to her story. I hugged her during the breaks in her cool when she cried. What else can I do? I am her friend. I am always on her side.

Besides, even if I wanted to advise, I wouldn't know what to tell her in this situation.

Because underlying it all - I'm a bit jealous of her. It's been a long time - if ever - since I've loved someone that much.

Things that are good about today (so far)

1. I found out that Justin has mailed me 3 bottles of wine to review on the site. I guess this makes me a bribed journalist b/c I would feel bad giving them an unfavorable review since he wants to use them for press releases. Oh well. Who cares? At this stage in my career, I think it's ok.
2. The fat-free French Vanilla coffee creamer is just as good as the regular!
3. Tall-dark-and-handsome e-mailed asking me to meet for drinks. Still just drinks, still no phone calls, but I'm encouraged that he still seems to be on top of it. I'm fine with things going slowly.
4. Still raining outside. I'll take the inconvenience of getting slightly wet when walking to the car, if it means I get to keep the warm and fuzzy feeling that I get when I'm inside and wearing a turtleneck.
5. Got another e-mail from Danny today. Cute pictures attached - he looks exactly the same.
6. Lunch with Uncle Gene at 12:30 today. Always fun.

Rain, rain

I'm snuggled in my queen sized, wrought iron bed, with a down comforter wrapped around me, my cat on my lap, and a good book in my hands. I can hear the rain outside beating on my windows. The soft yellow light of my bedside lamp makes my bedroom look wonderfully inviting.

What a perfect evening. It's the kind of night I've loved ever since I was little. Back then I thought it was weird that I actually enjoyed rainy days, but now I allow myself to truly relish in them. Sure, tonight it was no fun getting out of my car while trying to open my umbrella and lug my packages, all the while getting my pants legs soaked and praying that there wasn't a hidden puddle, but once I was safely inside my cozy apartment it was heavenly. I piddled around, put things away, chatted with friends on the phone, did some dishes, and watched a few of my favorite new Monday night sitcoms (which are unchallenging in a refreshingly lazy way) - all activities that are becoming cathartic rituals in my single, living alone life.

I can honestly say that I love it. I hope the rain keeps up all night and doesn't stop until right before I have to leave my nest and head to my car in the morning.

New computer

I finally got a new computer at home! Now all of those times that I've thought, "Wow, I really wish I could be writing about this," I will be able to do it. Let's see if it happens....

Date or no?

Reasons it could have been called a date:

• He held the door open for me
• He paid
• He asked me to come
• He was dressed up (button down and jacket)

Reasons it could have not been called a date:

• We met at Stella's, where both of us know practically the entire staff
• While mention was made of "hanging out again", there were no definite plans lined up
• No kissy

Whatever. I had a fun time hanging out with him - and I refuse to start overanalyzing.

One hour left...

It is now 4:31. My boredom at work has reached epic proportions. I had things to do earlier today, but now I'm done. I've visited my favorite websites, updated my MySpace and Friendster profiles, and done a lap around the building with my office buddy. There is a package of Reese's Cups sitting on my desk staring at me. Tempting me, not with the promise of chocolate and peanut butter, but with something to occupy me for 30 seconds. I'm not hungry, or craving the candy, but I just might eat one out of boredom. Which, incidentally, will cement my gaining weight. I've gained weight since taking this job, mainly because I just sit at my desk every day and there are always lots of treats around.

UGH.

It's not even that I don't like my job. I do, when there is stuff to do. I'm not sure if this boredom is just the nature of my entry-level position, or if it is indicitave that I am not cut out to be in the corporate world.

Oh well. Back to fantasizing and online shopping.

No "we" for me

Sometimes I lament about the fact that I'm not in a couple. Seems like it would be nice to have someone to do everything with, check on you, and rub your back at night. But then other times, it seems to me like I couldn't handle having someone hanging on to me all of the time.

Here's the story - so in my recent skirmish to move to NYC it seems that I have inspired others to do the same. Now I'm not so sure how my timing is going to work out, and I've got people calling me all day with a "We can do this," or "we can live here," or the absolute worst one of all, "we can motivate each other!"

Ok, I don't need help in the motivation department. When I decide to do something, I do it. No questions asked. And I don't want unsolicited advice on how to do it. And I REALLY don't want sentences like "You can do it!" and "Things will work out, you'll see!" thrown at me. I KNOW I can do it. I KNOW that things will work out if I decide I want them to.

Frankly, I also have no desire to be that cheerleader for someone else, either. I'm not going to hold someone's hand through this New York move. If you want to move up as the same time as me, GREAT. Let's do it. But I can't be responsible for you and your decisions.

Hmmm... does that make me cold?

Oh well. It's the way I am. Let's talk about something more pleasant - like the kick ass leather boots that I got for $20 at a consignment shop on Sunday!!!

New Friday Tradition

Due to the success of my mini-dinner party last Friday night, I've decided to make it a weekly tradition and have anyone who's interested over for dinner every Friday! It will give me a great opportunity to try out new recipies that I've been wanting to try, and it will be a fun way to get everyone together and finish out the week. On the menu for this Friday - homemade mac and cheese and chicken tenders! Now that the weather is chilly, it's time to bring on the comfort food.

On a side note, it doesn't look like the job with the ASA is going to work out right now. I'm a little bit bummed, but I think it's for the best. It really would have been too big of a rush to get up there by December. So now I can take my time to really figure stuff out and get a few more ducks in a row before I go rushing up there. And who knows, maybe the person that they end up going with won't work out and they'll be looking for someone else in a few months!

Crawling out of my skin

Once I get an idea in my head, I usually mull it over for a few days, make my decision, and go balls to the wall. Once I've decided to do something, it consumes my every thought until I've done it.

So I've decided that I want to move back to New York. Don't ask me why, because I can barely verbalize a reason. I miss the energy. I want to be near the people. I'm afraid that I'll become too comfortable here in Richmond, and wake up in two years miserable.

Right now I'm going nuts. I had a pretty good job lead with a wine distributer and it's been a few days since I've heard anything. Is that bad? I don't know, all I know is that the not knowing is driving me up the wall. And further agitating my condition is the fact that Jason is in NYC this weekend and everyone up there is hanging out and having a blast - WITHOUT ME. They keep calling me and while it's so great that they miss me, it's torturing me to know that they're up there and I'm not.

It's all I can think about. It's ruining my weekend. Why do I let things like this grab hold of me? But at the same time, it's so fun to have this energy flowing through my body.

What if the job doesn't work out? I think I'll be crushed.

What am I thinking, wanting to move back to New York? I remember all of the things I hated about it.

God, I love life. It's so exciting and full of challenges. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Junk

This is what happens when you go to Target on your lunch break - you end up coming back with lots of junk food that you DO NOT NEED on your desk!

The true victim in this tragedy will undoubtedly be my waistline.

Favorite new quote

"All of the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." - Alexander Woollcott

Mmmm...

My new favorite breakfast!

Travelin'

Ok, here we go!!

This morning booked my flight to San Fran for Thanksgiving weekend. I'm so excited! Also made arrangements to go up to NYC in two weeks to visit everyone. I was going to do the mature thing and decline the several invites that I've received for that weekend, but the forces were too strong and I was powerless to resist. How could I possibly NOT go when Jason will be in town, Carrie is having a birthday party, and I have two friends to drive up there with???

I'm only human, you know.

Dum dum da dum...

"Jason, you're either with me or against me!" I screeched into the phone.

It was the day of the wedding, or more importantly, the morning after the rehearsal dinner. Suffice it to say that the details of the night before were, well, fuzzy. I woke up bummed because I hadn't gotten to talk to my crush very much. Then I talked to Jason and was informed that I spent the last hour of the evening holding his hand and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER THAT??

And more importantly, what else did I not remember?

I decided that I needed help. Someone would have to monitor me that evening to make sure that I didn't a) throw myself at some unwilling guy, or b) slur through the toast that I was due to give. That person would have to be Jason. He begruggingly agreed to keep tabs on me up until the toast, but after that I was on my own.

The wedding came and went. It was smashing. Everyone looked beautiful, no one tripped up the aisle, my toast was met with a chorus of "Awww...", and everyone danced until they literally kicked us out.

And I even got to dance with my crush... a lot.

Cheers to Mr. and Mrs. DeVries, the happy couple.